♪♪♪
[classical violin playing]
[rock music]
Tom Petty: ♪ We got something, we both know it ♪
♪ We don't talk too much about it ♪
♪ Ain't no real big secret ♪
♪ All the same, somehow we get around it ♪
♪ Listen ♪
♪ It don't really matter to me, babe ♪
♪ You believe what you want to believe ♪
♪ You see, you don't have to live like a refugee ♪
The Heartbreakers: ♪ Don't have to live ♪
♪ Like a refugee ♪
No!
♪♪♪
[music fades]
[phone buzzes]
[piano music]
[ saxophone music ]
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Do you need some help?
Oh, yes. That would be great.
[baby fusses]
Ah, she's a cutie.
Thank you.
[chuckles]
I got it.
It's pretty complicated.
I'll figure it out.
Wow.
Go ahead.
♪♪♪
[elevator dings]
[no audible dialogue]
Mom.
Never thought you'd beat me here.
I beat you everywhere.
Whew. Ahem. That's really strong.
I mean, it's pretty. It smells good.
It's just, uh, everything bothers me right now.
You should have texted me.
I was just wasting time downstairs.
Mom, if I texted you, you would have freaked out.
Maybe.
How are you feeling?
I feel great.
Never heard anyone as pregnant as you say that.
I don't want to complain
because everyone's mad at me for not getting induced.
No one's mad at you.
It's just, you know, the more overdue you get--
You know what?
The baby will come when it's supposed to come.
It's like a piece of fruit ripening.
The due date's a joke anyway. Justin and I were fucking all the time.
I have no idea when it happened.
So you got to be hungry.
Oh, I need you to pick up Justin's parents at JFK at 2:30.
What? Why can't Justin pick up Justin's parents?
You can't send a car?
You know how they are.
I want you to do it because I can't do it and Justin's in Singapore.
Are you fucking kidding me?
He put it off as long as possible.
What's the big deal?
He should be here.
What if he has to give blood or something?
What?
I don't know.
Okay, well, you're not doing this alone anymore.
I'm gonna be there.
No. Mom, now I'm really doing it alone,
which is honestly kind of how I wanted it.
Okay.
Sometimes I really wonder where you came from.
What does that mean?
This was supposed to be nice.
You said you wanted to spend time with me,
and you're being a bitch.
Because I don't understand you.
I don't understand how you think.
I'm practical, like you.
No, you're not.
You're a throwback.
Just because I don't do things the way you did
doesn't mean I'm doing them wrong.
Could you give us a minute?
It's not about right and wrong.
It's about self-respect.
Even Grandma wasn't like this.
You gave everything up to be some--
I'll just say it--
rich housewife,
with these delusions that there's some kind of virtue
in not having a job and taking his name
and letting him do whatever the fuck he wants.
I don't know how I raised someone
who thought it was better to be comfortable
than to be her own person.
Maybe I am old-fashioned.
I thought having brunch with my mother would be a treat.
I didn't know I was going to tip you into some feminist rage.
It's worse than that.
Look at this.
$26 for fucking cauliflower?
You can't even get a baby in this building.
I'm sorry. Socialist rage.
I think it's incredible that you just assume
I can drop everything and go to the airport
in the middle of the day.
I'm gonna say something you're never gonna say.
I have to go to work.
Well, why don't you pretend I'm going into labor and blow it off?
Although I know your homeless people might be above me on the list.
I miss the girl from college
who was so concerned about her privilege.
I grew up.
And yeah, I had everything.
And I was made to feel like I had nothing because other people had nothing.
And the whole goal is to be happy, right?
Isn't that what you always say?
You have to trust me. You're not gonna be happy.
Your kids will grow up and leave, and you'll have nothing.
And you'll have done nothing.
I'll have raised great kids.
And I don't know what the future is going to bring.
But you're the one who has everything.
And you've always had everything,
and you act selfless, but it's bullshit
because you're the spoiled one.
Everything has to go your way,
and on top of that, you have to feel morally superior.
And you know what? You're not.
What does that mean?
It means, if you were really so good,
you would stop judging everyone and just worry about yourself.
Ladies?
You need another minute?
No. We're ready. Mom?
Thank you for breakfast.
I'll text you their flight information.
[phone rings]
I got it, Chris.
Este es probable la llamada.
So is it happening?
No, but I called you before.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Honey, can you do me a favor?
It's a really busy day.
Can you just let me know if it's happening?
Did you know that your son-in-law is in Singapore?
Really? Why would he do that?
Because she let him.
And she says she's fine with it.
She probably is. You know her.
Doesn't that bother you?
Ahem.
Are you feeling any better?
I'm upset. We had breakfast,
and...we had a fight.
It was my fault.
You need to calm down, go home, or go to the gym.
I don't know. Just relax.
Do something to get your mind off of it. You can't do anything about it.
Right, I'm just crazy and emotional and neurotic.
Sweetheart, I'm sorry.
I don't want to cut you off, but I have a client in here.
You know I want you to call me when it's happening,
but I really have to go.
[beep]
Dick.
[phone buzzes]
Of course you called.
Any news?
No, nothing.
I had a dream last night that it happened.
I can't hear you. Where are you?
[mixer whirring] Hold on.
I had a dream that she had the baby.
It was a boy, by the way.
We know that already.
Really?
So how is she?
Serene, like a...
boa constrictor digesting an elephant.
So they've no idea when?
No.
She's a week overdue already.
Oh, thanks.
I'm just trying to get an idea of the timeline.
[whispers] Who's that?
Publisher.
I'm gonna step outside for a second.
I just have a couple of questions I wanted to ask you.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I got lousy reception.
Can you hear me?
Yeah.
Where are you?
Uh, walking by Carnegie Hall.
Well, you're right around the corner. Wait there. I'll come meet you.
I have a ton of shit to do.
No, you don't. I want to see you.
Okay.
[phone buzzes]
Hey.
Want to get some coffee?
No, I'm antsy. Let's just walk.
So what's going on?
Well, she won't get induced, so we have no idea.
Everything's on hold, and I'm just trying not to lose my mind.
Well, you do like to be in control.
Everybody does.
You know, I'm glad to see you.
What's new?
You mean besides selling the rights to my book?
You did? Which one?
The Romanov one.
They're making it into a miniseries in Europe.
Whoa, that's amazing.
Trying to figure out how to keep them from pushing me off of it.
- What do you mean? - I want to write it.
You know how to do that?
If I can write a book, don't you think I can write a TV show?
I have no idea.
I'd really like to thank Julia Wells for always believing in me.
[laughing] Oh, stop. You know I do.
I called Eric about it.
I'm surprised he didn't tell you.
- Does he get a cut? - No.
That's why he didn't tell me.
Well, we can celebrate in the Berkshires.
- You're coming? - Yeah.
Yeah, I thought it might be weird,
so I told Eric we were staying in town,
but he insisted, so...
Oh. Look where we are.
Let's go get a vodka and some blinis.
It would be perfect.
I don't know.
Come on.
We can pretend we're a couple of strangers like we were back then.
♪♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
Daniel: Julia.
What?
You okay?
Yeah. I'm just not hungry.
You know what? I know what we're gonna do.
Hey.
Look at this.
$1.00.
Why don't you sign it? Be worth at least double.
Come on, let's go inside.
All these thoughts.
They've got The Odyssey in here,
and they've got How to Make the Perfect Martini.
Pretty much covers Western civilization, doesn't it?
Every once in a while, I think about the fact
that 80% of the people who've had 90% of the thoughts in here are dead.
[chuckles] Oh, Daniel.
Does that still scare you?
Tolstoy's books are here, but he's not.
None of us will be here.
But some of us get to leave more behind.
That's not why people do that.
Meanwhile, you'd trade it all to be Tolstoy.
That's probably true.
You think I should get one of these screenwriting books?
I thought you said you knew how to do it.
Apparently you're supposed to save a cat or something.
I know you don't know when it's gonna be,
but you have to promise to call me.
Of course. I'm gonna call everybody.
No, it's me. I should be there.
What? No.
No, that's not gonna happen.
- Why not? - Really?
♪♪♪
Why are you looking at me like that?
Like what?
You're looking at me like you actually feel something,
but you're acting like you don't know me.
We're not having a discussion about this, Daniel.
Well, who else am I supposed to talk to?
- I'm in the same boat. - The fuck you are.
Oh, you know what? No.
♪♪♪
[no audible dialogue]
Julia.
[horn honks]
Julia.
No.
Right, because you always get your way.
♪♪♪
[beep]
Klymaxx: ♪ The men pause ♪
♪ And the brides held their grooms ♪
♪ The men all pause ♪
♪ And they all sang the same old tune ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, check me out ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Starin' faces starting to get tired ♪
♪ I wanted to get out and go for a ride... ♪
Daniel: Can't you see it from my side at all?
Why can't you just leave it the way it is?
You decided all of this.
You kept me out of everything.
I played along every step of the way. I just want in a little bit.
♪♪♪
[door bell beeps]
[cash register prints out receipt]
[cash register keys beep]
[no audible dialogue]
[phone buzzes]
Hey, there.
Hi.
So are you a grandmother yet?
No, not yet, but wow, "grandma."
Boy, does that sound sexy.
Are you kidding? People are gonna hate
that you look the way you do and you have a grandchild.
Sorry. I'm in a terrible mood.
And honestly, that's the first time anyone's called me that.
Well, you better get used to it.
Can't I just have him call me Julia?
Oh, it's a boy? Eric didn't say.
He just asked me to send out the christening dress.
He did?
Yeah.
He said Ella asked for it.
Like it or not, the line continues.
Oh, speaking of which,
you know that Romanov book that our friend Daniel wrote,
the one Eric consulted on?
They're making it into a miniseries.
Oh, I hated that book.
It's the worst kind of armchair history.
I thought you'd be excited.
Eric said he liked it, but I thought it was because he was his friend.
There's nothing worse
than historians guessing at people's hearts 300 years ago.
We can't even do it now.
That's true.
How are the boys?
They're fine.
Julia, are you okay?
No. No, I'm not.
It's not just the grandma thing, and it's not just...
Ella acting like the whole world works for her.
What's she doing?
She's a snob.
[chuckles]
Well, I guess it's in her blood.
I don't know. I just got used to being a mother.
I mean, obviously, I decided, I guess,
but even though you do things,
it feels like they're just happening to you.
And now there's this cascade--
one thing's happening after another and another.
What's it have to do with me?
I mean, I set it in motion, but I was young.
I didn't know what I was doing, and now,
well, I'm not young anymore, am I?
I know.
We still don't know what we're doing.
And you can't pretend anymore like you don't have any control
because it's actually your life.
You're not making me feel any better.
[chair clatters]
Excuse me!
Hold on a sec.
Excuse me!
Did it occur to you that I might need that chair?
You didn't even ask.
I could be waiting for somebody.
[no audible dialogue]
Fucking Millennials.
Katherine?
[phone beeps]
♪♪♪
Daniel: Julia, you should have told me.
I had to find out by accident--
when I looked at her little face
and I saw my mother staring back at me.
- Yeah, you told me. - Why are you acting like it's not true?
Because it doesn't matter.
Why would I tell you?
What good could have come from that?
I would have liked the chance.
We could have had a life together.
I made my decision.
Without me.
Eric really wanted a family.
You just wanted me.
I didn't know that was an option.
Right. You never thought of it.
So you're blaming me?
This is a fascinating bit of self-preservation.
You want me to say it?
You're not Eric. And maybe that's why we were together,
but it's also why we're not together.
- So why did you call me? - You called me.
Well, why did you see me?
[phone buzzes]
[buzzing]
Fuck!
JFK.
What airline?
I'll tell you when we get there.
I got to pick up my daughter's in-laws.
I was going to take the train back to Brooklyn and drive out there,
but I got distracted.
Finish or throw it out.
Really?
Yes.
Okay?
Pay.
Wait here. Keep the meter running.
I'm not paying for any of that JFK shit.
I'll be right back.
Leave your purse.
No.
Hello!
Hello, Grandma.
Hello, Grandma, to you.
No news, right?
No.
So how was the plane ride?
- The flight? - Uh, quick.
I always forget it's really close.
So is our car. This way.
I got it.
I'll ride up front.
- There's room back here. - That's okay.
Well, I'm excited it hasn't happened yet.
Now that we've made it to the city, maybe we'll get to be there.
- Where? - At the hospital.
No. She's gonna deliver alone.
Really?
Somebody should be there with her.
Yeah, her husband.
But guess what. He's in Singapore.
Well, I know he would have given anything not to have to do that.
Well, he didn't.
I'm her mother, and I'm not even allowed to go.
It just seems a little dangerous.
They say the longer the baby's in there,
the more likely it is something can go wrong.
She's an adult. She can make her own decisions.
Babies are born every day.
I don't know why everyone's making such a big deal out of this one.
We're just excited, that's all.
Aren't you?
Of course I'm excited.
I'm very fucking excited.
There's nothing I can do, and there's nothing you can do
because guess what. It's not your baby.
Everything in order?
Yes.
Oh, good.
You know, I'm really sorry.
Oh, it's fine. I know you're anxious.
I've been there before.
You're worried about your daughter.
But you don't even know what's gonna happen to you
when you see this baby.
It's different from when you have your own kids
because you know she was born,
and then how long did it take to start worrying?
But with a grandkid,
it's not your problem. It never even occurs to you.
You're never gonna have to discipline them.
You're never even gonna argue with them.
It's just good. It's all good.
And you know what else? Ask Ron.
They love you so much more than their parents.
Oh, honey, don't say that.
I believe you.
All I'm saying is,
if you think the day Ella was born was the best day of your life,
wait till you see this baby.
It's what every parent lives for, and you didn't even know it.
You're very sweet.
Thank you for understanding.
I really shouldn't have let you get the cab.
Hey, don't insult me.
You mean again?
[chuckles]
Let's get dinner.
I bet if we pick a fancy enough restaurant,
we can get Ella to show.
You're probably right.
Let me check with Eric.
Oh, there's no way you had plans for tonight.
Get a reservation with the concierge, and we'll text you.
[The Bridal March plays]
You're in our lives. You're in Ella's life.
You'll be in this baby's life.
Just wait a little.
What, until we're all together in the country again
and I'm supposed to just endure another vacation
as the creepy fake uncle?
I've missed out on everything important.
- That is not true! - Yes, it is!
I've been forced onto the sidelines over and over again.
You are on the sidelines!
Do you have any idea how painful that is?
I literally walked by my own life and saw someone else take it.
Keep it.
[door buzzes]
Hey.
How you doing, Grandma?
Fuck off.
I hope she didn't have the baby today.
We really can get by without you.
No baby yet.
Don't want to talk about it.
Everything okay?
It's why I'm here.
Want to do intake?
Great.
Hello.
You're Gary Beethoven?
That's not my real name.
Okay. Well, my real name is Julia Wells.
I need some information from you so I can fill out these forms,
and then we'll take care of you.
I can't tell you.
This is totally private, and no one will--
They always say that,
but they're listening.
This is a totally safe place.
I don't know how I can help you if you can't at least tell me your name.
I just don't think that's a good idea.
They're monitoring my thoughts.
Yours, too.
You can tell me.
♪♪♪
[shouting indistinctly]
Get an ambulance!
I need an ambulance!
[no audible dialogue]
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You okay?
Yeah. Hi.
What are you doing here?
Eric called me.
From London?
Yeah. He was really worried. He asked me to come take you home.
Uh, you should sit down.
Let me get some plates.
[sighs] Thank you so much,
but you can go now.
I really just want to go to bed. Ohh.
Eric asked me to stay.
He really doesn't want you to be alone.
Really?
I've never heard him like that. He was crying.
Also, because you have a concussion,
he had some thing about you not going to sleep.
Doctor said it was fine.
Eric seemed pretty sure.
It's his fucking grandmother.
Romanoffs are a bunch of witches.
Never found anything to the contrary.
Anyway, just to be safe,
I will do whatever it takes to keep you entertained.
I'm really not hungry.
That's okay. We can just look at it.
So are you ready to tell me what happened?
I'm not your husband.
I can't keep you from working in that place,
like anyone could.
It was dumb.
We're not supposed to close the door ever.
It's rule number 1.
But she was scared, and she was young, and...
whenever a woman comes in like that,
I think about...Ella, and...
I just want to take care of her.
You broke the rules because that's what you always do.
I thought you were gonna entertain me.
I have a head injury.
I've already been punished.
I had a table at the Rainbow Room, but I don't think you're up for it.
How's Lisa?
What?
Uh...
it's, uh, we're working on it.
It's not that great.
I'd like to blame it all on her, but...
it's just, uh...
I don't know.
This switch went off inside me,
and I just started feeling really angry.
She never wanted to have kids, and now it's too late.
And that bothered me,
but that's not really it, either.
We grew apart.
Or maybe it was bad from the beginning,
which would explain a lot.
Sounds like midlife stuff.
Hmm. You never think about it?
I don't know. I mean, I almost got killed today,
so mortality's on my mind.
That's not what I'm talking about.
No.
It was a long time ago.
I'm really happy.
♪♪♪
Did you get the invitation to the wedding?
Yeah. And I appreciate it.
But boy, did that make me feel old.
Tell me about it.
But life moves on. That's the goal, right?
Yeah, I guess so.
It just seems like it all worked out for you.
Sometimes I feel like you got away with it and I didn't.
♪♪♪
Does that help?
I don't know.
You know they have machines now.
I get it.
This is a totally safe place.
In fact, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone before.
I got married when I was 27,
and then I got pregnant, and it wasn't with my husband.
It was with his best friend.
I can trust you, right?
So I never told him.
My daughter grew up.
My husband was a great dad.
Never had to worry about it.
I mean, he loves her.
Now she's having a baby.
My husband's so excited about being a grandfather,
except guess what.
He's really not, is he?
And the other guy, he really is,
but he's not, is he?
The whole thing is making me sick.
Why did I do it?
I'd like to say I was young.
But it was so intense and passionate and illicit.
And I really loved him.
Maybe I still love him.
I do love him.
You can love more than one person, you know.
So all these years I thought I had everything,
but now it feels like I have nothing.
I'm a shitty wife.
I'm a shitty mother. I'm old.
I'm never gonna be that hot girl again.
I'm never gonna fuck like that again.
[whispers] I'm gonna be a grandma.
So...
now it's your turn.
I have something to tell you, too.
Great.
I don't want your food.
But do you know a guy named Eddie Van Halen?
[guitar strums]
Mac DeMarco: ♪ Sometimes my love ♪
♪ May be put on hold ♪
♪ Sometimes my heart ♪
♪ May seem awful cold ♪
♪ These times come, and these times go ♪
♪ As long as I live ♪
♪ All you need to know is ♪
♪ This old dog ♪
♪ Ain't about to forget ♪
♪ All we've had ♪
♪ And all that's next ♪
♪ As long as my heart's beating in my chest ♪
♪ This old dog ♪
♪ Ain't about to forget ♪
♪ Often a heart tends to change its mind ♪
♪ A new day decides on a new design ♪
♪ A new day gets set on another way ♪
♪ As long as I live ♪
♪ All I've got to say is ♪
♪ This old dog ♪
♪ Ain't about to forget ♪
♪ All we've had ♪
♪ And all that's next ♪
♪ As long as my heart's beating in my chest ♪
♪ This old dog ♪
♪ Ain't about to forget ♪
Eric: Jules?
I'm in here!
Hi.
You smell good.
I just want to crawl into bed, but we have to go to dinner.
- Where? - Daniel,
with Ron and Marilyn.
Fancy.
And we have to pay because they paid for the cab ride
and I might have been a little rude.
Okay. I'm gonna change.
How come you didn't tell me
Daniel and Lisa are coming to the country?
Oh, he said he didn't want to go,
but I know it usually has something to do with money,
and he's so proud.
So we're paying for it?
Look, I love Daniel.
And I know you love Daniel.
And one of the reasons is because he's never really grown up,
and that makes him a lot of fun,
but it also means that he needs to be taken care of.
He just sold his book.
They're making it into a TV thing.
I don't count other people's money,
and he's not some stranger.
All I can say is we can, and he can't. Noblesse oblige.
Wow.
That's literally patronizing.
I'm so tired of this Romanoff shit.
Now suddenly the line is continuing,
and it's all this elitist, aristocratic...
Noblesse oblige? Do you hear yourself?
You're just nervous about the baby.
I'm not gonna fight with you.
And now you're patronizing me.
I have to tell you something.
What's wrong?
A long time ago, I made a mistake.
And I kept a secret from you.
It was big then, but it's...
so big now.
And I love you so much,
I can't keep it from you anymore.
Okay.
Ella's not your daughter.
Daniel and I had an affair.
It's been over for more than 20 years,
but I didn't know what to do.
I kept fooling myself into thinking it didn't matter,
that it would get easier as time went by,
but it got harder.
I didn't want to lose you then,
and I don't want to lose you now.
You're the best father and husband anyone could ever have.
You deserve to know.
I know.
I've always known.
And it doesn't matter.
I love her.
She's always been my daughter.
And the most important part...
is that I got you.
What's the difference in the end?
♪♪♪
- Man on TV: Towson. - Alex Trebek: You are right.
Colleges for $800.
This California university is home
to the Hoover Institution on War, Revolution, and Peace.
Conner. - What is Stanford?
- Right. - Colleges, $1,200.
To stand out from other...
Hey.
You look nice.
["Jeopardy!" continues]
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I just want to say...
Are you okay?
You're going to be an amazing grandfather.
You're gonna be pretty great yourself.
♪♪♪
So she didn't say anything?
She didn't drop any hints?
Oh, I'm sure Ella knows exactly what the baby's name is
and has decided not to tell us.
[laughter]
And probably hasn't even told Justin.
[Ron chuckles]
Oh, Justin called today,
and he said he might be able to get on a flight tomorrow,
so it's possible he might actually make it in time.
That's great.
Ron: He's so excited.
To those two spoiled kids.
To the prince and princess.
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
I'll be right back.
[clatter] Uhh!
- Oh. - Hon?
- [gasp of pain] - You all right?
- [gasp] - What's the matter?
[grunts]
So you are in luck.
Dr. Rothis the best there is, and he has a spot tomorrow.
It'll be first thing in the morning.
You'll be in and out. - I can't do this right now.
You don't have a choice.
You're lucky you made it here in time.
You do need to get some rest,
so I would recommend everyone go home.
You don't need to worry. It's really routine.
You have to trust me that she could not be in better hands.
Thank you.
Fuck.
Julia, when your body tells you something,
you have to listen. You can't argue.
[scoffs] Like I didn't feel old enough already.
Gallstones?
Really?
I'm gonna run home and get your stuff.
No, just come back in the morning. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day.
No. I'll be right back. The end.
Bye, Daddy.
So nothing? You don't feel anything yet?
Nope. The doctor says the baby is fine.
I'm really sorry this happened.
I mean, I know you don't want me there.
But I still want to be the first one to show up,
and now I could miss it.
You're being silly.
When the baby comes, the baby will be here
for the rest of your life, okay?
I know, but general anesthesia.
They do this every day.
You've nothing to worry about.
That's not true. Things go wrong.
Are you afraid?
I'm afraid I'll never meet my grandchild.
Do you want to call him?
I'll do it.
Hi.
Yeah, no--no news yet. Can you talk?
I have to have surgery tomorrow.
It's not a big deal.
Gallstones.
Yeah.
It hurt a lot, but I'm feeling better now.
I know. Me, too.
Okay.
I will.
I love you, too.
[scoffs]
♪♪♪
Aimee Mann: ♪ There comes a time ♪
♪ When you swim or sink ♪
♪ So I jumped in the drink ♪
♪ 'Cause I couldn't make myself clear ♪
♪ Maybe I wrote in invisible ink ♪
♪ Oh, I've tried to think ♪
♪ How I could have made it appear ♪
♪ But another illustration is wasted ♪
♪ 'Cause the results are the same ♪
♪ I feel like a ghost ♪
♪ Who's trying to move your hands ♪
♪ over some Ouija board ♪
♪ In hopes I can spell out my name ♪
♪ What some take for magic at first glance ♪
♪ Is just sleight of hand ♪
♪ Depending how much you believe ♪
♪ Something gets lost when you translate ♪
♪ It's hard to keep straight ♪
♪ Perspective is everything ♪